Saturday, June 25, 2011

My adventures in burlesque--and "mer-lesque"

Oh my! It's been rather some time since last I posted in this journal, hasn't it? Well, rather than try to remember where I left off and give a running account of what I've been up to since then, I shall abruptly jump to the present and tell you of my latest creative venture: performing in a burlesque show. Miss DitaV's club Vagabonds, in the dark Victorian Los Angeles-themed region Angeleno Heights, is a delightful venue with an official house style that tends to go for the warped humor. A perfect place for moi, n'est-ce pas?

This past evening we put on a show with the theme of "mer-lesque" -- that is, merfolk burlesque, set in a Jules Vernian submarine called the Nauti-lus. For my contribution to the festivities, I performed a self-penned parody of a rather well-known contemporary song. Fair warning: my version is considerably more, erm, mature than the original. Enjoy!

Oh you crazy little mergirl, wanting to flounder around like one of those land wenches! Don't you know you're just asking for a whole reef o' grief? There's nothing up there that isn't better down here--they don't have the waves, they don't have the fashions, they don't have the decor--and most of all, they don't have ME!

Yes, it's me, Bustah Crabbe Rhymes here, the boffin' dolphin, the spermin' merman, the finny fellah who put the poon in typhoon and the sex in sextant, here to tell you all the reasons you should give up on this foolish landlubber thing and stay where the waters are deep, baby!

The seaweed is always danker
In somebody else's stash
You dream about making it big there
But you're in for a great big crash
Just look at the sea-hunks 'round you
Gyrating on the ocean floor
Such wonderful sea-studs surround you
What more is you lookin' for?

Under the sea, under the sea
Darling it's better down where it's wetter
Take it from me
Up there in the sun they're gaunt and pale
Lay out every day trying to catch some tail
While we aquatics get all erotic
Under the sea, ha ha...

Down here all the fish-folk sex up
'Cause we naturally slip and slide.
Up there everyone's all dried up
And it's such a bumpy ride!
You know all the landfolk have to
Slather lotions all on their skin
And build their own concrete puddles
To have all the fun we're in!

Under the sea, under the sea
We do the gliding, slipping and sliding
We got the rockin', we got the feel
And I got the whoa-mama 'lectric eel!
I'll put the motion into your ocean
Under the sea!

Under the sea, under the sea
Yeah we got the meat and we got the motion
As you can see!
What with the tentacles and the ray
We're so much better equipped to play
When we got the urgin', the sturgeon is surgin'
Under the sea!

The newt's on a toot
The carp's got the heart
The plaice is an ace at feelin' sharp
The bass got the brass
The chub pounds the tub
And you know the blowfish blow!

Yeah, under the sea, under the sea
When we want to hustle, we got the mussel
All that you need!
Forget about those folks on the land--
As far as I care they can go pound sand!
What is mo' beta than bein' wetta
Under the sea!
Yes it's much hotter under the water
We have the luck here, down in the muck here
So stay where it's moister, just like my oyster
Under the sea!