Miss Caledon Talent Exhibit: Caledon's Got Talent 2010
To keep things as organized as possible, I wrote out my entire script in advance--while I threw in ad libs at will (and whenever necessary to stall until the next act was ready), the majority of my performance was cut-and-pasted into local chat from that script. Herewith, my script--complete with stage directions and notes.
CHAIRMAN'S SCRIPT FINAL DRAFT 100521
[Enter from behind closed curtain]
[Go to Downstage Center]
Chair: Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise.
[Royals and VIPs enter to fanfare, process down center aisle,
[Chair: Bow as Royals and VIPs process; step back upstage center]
[Royals and VIPs mount steps to stage, turn to face audience, wave and acknowledge, then head to respective boxes.]
[start; get interrupted by Fan Bearer rushing in and taking her place; resume]
Chair: [bow to royals box]
Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness …
[Bow to VIP box]
Your Excellencies ...
[Bow to audience]
Lords, ladies, citizens and honoured guests of fair Caledon ...
It is my pleasure and privilege to welcome you to this gala entertainment – “CALEDON'S GOT TALENT!”
- one of our own contributions in support of the American Cancer Society's “RELAY FOR LIFE.”
We have a rich and varied entertainment lined up for you today, all provided by our fellow Caledonians.
We urge you to show your appreciation by paying generously into the RFL kiosk in front of me if you are pleased with what you see today - as well as clapping, of course!
At the end, HER MAJESTY herself has graciously consented to award the GRAND PRIZES to be given to the three acts which impress you most.
That's right my friends, the selection of FIRST, SECOND, and THIRD PLACE prizes will made by YOU –
according to the amount of lindens you have contributed to the RFL kiosk during each act’s respective performance -
combined with the opinion of the judges, led by our directors, Miss ELSPETH WOOLLEY and Mr ADZER THORNE.
So, please dig deep in those purses and pocketbooks as you favorite act performs. You need not donate large sums, though that of course would be deeply appreciated ... these kiosks can record a single linden, I'm reliably told.
Let's see how much we can raise for RFL, after all, it's only play money...isn't it?
A few bits of business:
Our musical director, Miss Soliel Snook, will be providing music over the audio stream for the majority of the acts.
As you know, audio streams can be finicky creatures. So please be sure to toggle your audio stream a few times if you do not at first hear a broadcast.
A couple of our acts will be broadcasting live over the voice channel.
So please make sure right now that you have Voice chat enabled--but do please keep your microphone switched off.
Once again: voice chat on, mic off. Thank you.
There will be a short interval -- or "intermission" as we Colonials persist in calling it -- halfway through our show.
Finally - might I again remind you that some of our performers will be watching their screens for verbal cues.
This has to be done against the background of ISC and local chat in general,
so I would therefore ask that you keep conversation and catcalls to a minimum.
Thank you for your kind consideration!
And now ... time, tide and the lag monster wait for no man. Let's get on with our show.
[COMMENCE FIRST HALF]
[Move to side of stage, nearest Chair’s Box]
Let's start the same way as we intend to continue, something to make you gasp with astonishment and disbelief!
[1. Elspeth Woolley / Dorset Fizzle -- closed curtain]
It gives me great pleasure to introduce that Delightful Duo ... the Very Beautiful
Miss ELSPETH WOOLLEY
and her companion, that consummate epitome of ovine grace and sophistication, our own dear
Dame DORSET FIZZLE,
presenting a performance entitled
[Move into Chair’s Box]
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for that fearless display of aerial derring-do! (And perhaps, it might be said, derring-don't!)
[2. Jorge Serapis -- closed Curtain]
On to our next act, who insists upon being introduced as "more popular than guacamole at Communion."
Here he is, my friends:
The LATINO SMOOTHIE,
Mr. JORGE SERAPIS,
"ORANGE COLORED SKY!"
Let's have a big round of applause and a shower of lindens for that epic ballad!
[3. Stereo Nacht -- open curtain]
We continue our programme with a poetic plunge into soulful introspection.
Please show your love to
Miss STEREO NACHT
as she presents a medley of musings entitled
"SOUL POETRY: 'IF ONLY...'"
Ladies and Gentlemen, let's hear it for those epic excursions!
SATURDAY ONLY -- CLOSE CURTAIN
Our next act will require a few moments to set up.
so while our busy backstage elves are so engaged,
I propose to divert you with a short poem of my own composition,
in the spirit of the American humorist Ogden Nash.
This was a great hit at a recent Jaeger Hut Poetry Slam.
Or perhaps I should say, I received a great many hits because of it.
The Curmudgeon Song
A curious beast is the species “curmudgeon.”
For niceties social it cares not a smudgeon.
The faulting of foibles is its main relugion
Pursued in a state of perpetual high dudgeon.
Delighting in cornering some hapless pidgeon,
It proceeds to attack with its great verbal blidgeon
To the nervous amusement of all in the rigion—
For who knows who next will provoke the curmidgeon?
Thank you ... thank you ...
please demonstrate your enjoyment of that little ditty through donations to the RFL kiosk. Thank you.
Ah ... I understand that our next act is now prepared to proceed!
[4. Marion QUesti -- flemenco -- closed curtain]
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the following presentation,
I must remind you to turn ON your VOICE CHAT
-- yes, please enable VOICE CHAT
-- because you will not wish to miss a note of this stunning live musical performance.
Everyone got VOICE chat on? Good!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you a virtuoso LIVE performance of flamenco guitar:
Mr MARION QUESTI
in a performance entitled
Oh my goodness, I must fan myself after the heat of those flames! A round of applause, friends, and your monentary appreciation too!
[5. Midnightheretic Pinazzo--open curtain]
we now have feats of prestidigitation and legerdemain
from a most provocatively named performer!
Please give a hearty welcome to
"MAGIC AND MAYHEM!"
A most magical moment indeed!
Let's hear it, Ladies and Gentlemen, for our magician friend!
[6. ZenMondo Wormser -- closed curtain]
Our next performer takes us on a journey to the east,
to scrute the inscrutable! Please give a warm welcome to
Mr. ZENMONDO WORMSER
as he gives a presentation of Haiku entitled
Thank you, Sir Zen--I know I feel enlightened after that!
How about the rest of you, Ladies and Gentlemen?
And don't forget to enlighten the donation kiosk too!
[7. Milena Mistwalker--Albert & The Lion -- open curtain]
And now we have a most delightful ingenue with a most delightful recitation.
Please show your appreciation for Caledon's own mistress of mirth
Miss MILENA MISTWALKER
reciting "ALBERT AND THE LION!"
Oh my! Please put your hands together--and into your cash--
for that riveting tale of familial drama!
[8. Tayra Torricelli -- closed curtain]
And for our last act before intermission --
or the "Interval" as those of you in the bosum of the Empire persist in calling it --
we have an admirable avian aria!
Please show your appreciation for
Miss TAYRA TORRICELLI,
THE CALEDON SONGBIRD,
"THINK OF ME!"
from the long-running smash hit "Phantom of the Opera!"
[chandelier crash on final high note]
Oh my stars and garters!
Guess the dear girl didn't know her own strength!
Well, it wouldn't be Caledon without something going BEWM, now would it?
While our emergency medical staff tends to any casualties,
we shall now take our INTERVAL -- or INTERMISSION --
and, barring any other objects crashing down,
we shall re-commence in about five minutes time.
[INTERVAL - 5 MINS]
[COMMENCE SECOND HALF]
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I humbly request that you return to your seats,
as the second half of the show is about to commence.
[9.The Pousse Cafe Girls -- open curtain]
We proceed now with a demonstration of tepsichorean grace and choreographic style! Please show your appreciations for
The POUSSE CAFE GIRLS--
Misses KITTY ILYX, EVELEEEN CONTEPOMI, RENA LUNA,
VENUS AMEDE, CARESSE LATOE, and FFIONNA FOXTROT --
O mai, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for all those lithesome limbs!
And don't forget to show your favor through the RFL kiosk too!
[10. Cray Juliesse -- closed curtain]
Next comes an act for which I must confess to a special fondness,
as it hails from one of my favorite musical theatre works.
Miss CRAY JULIESSE,
and her act
"NOTES FROM A NIGHTINGALE!"
Ah, with such music as that,
one might truly conclude we are in fact living in the best of all possible worlds,
do you agree?
[11. The Bunnshoi Ballet - open curtain (wait for scenery to be laid down)]
And now for your enjoyment,
we have three delightful dainties with a Tiny Terpsichorean offering.
May I present
Miss MARTINI DISCOVOLANTE,
Miss ARTEER OLIVA,
Miss PYEWACKET BELLMAN,
The BUNNSHOI BALLET!
Ah, the cuteness, it is devastating, is it not, ladies and gentlemen?
Please show them your appreciation!
[12. Spinweaver Radmussen -- closed curtain]
Next we feature an act whose performer and her musical instrument share the same pure bell-like beauty --
this promises to be a dulcimer recital to top them all!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Miss SPINWEAVER RADMUSSEN!
Ah my friends, my heart is still ringing with the beauty of that performance.
Please show the lady your appreciation!
[13. Jorge Serapis/Tayra Torricelli -- closed curtain]
Ladies and gentlemen, you have seen these next two performers as soloists earlier in the evening
-- now enjoy them together as a duo:
Mr. JORGE SERAPIS
Miss TAYRA TORRICELLI
"HARMONY FROM HEAVEN!"
Ah yes, what a heart-felt duet!
A round of applause for them, Ladies and Gentlemen!
[14. Fogwoman Gray -- open curtain]
And how could any variety show worthy of the name go off without the inclusion of that noble creature, the elephant?
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the inimitable
Miss FOGWOMAN GRAY,
in an act entitled
"MADAME MOUTON ROUGE AND HER AMAZING PACHYDERM!"
Oh, I knew that was going to be priceless, and I was not disappointed!
Ladies and Gentlemen, your approbation please!
[15. Valdyr Dreamscape -- open curtain]
And last but not least,
I am delighted to present an offering from the Steamlands' vigorous Europan Jaegerkin community!
Please offer your attention to
Miss VALDYR DREAMSCAPE,
and Miss RENGERIN SKYTOWER--
"THE CLANKHUNTER'S SONG!"
Now wasn't that a most stirring hunting ballad?
A hearty round of applause for such a hearty performance!
So, there you have it ...
I'm sure you will agree - Caledon certainly DOES have talent!
A round of applause please for all our fine performers!
[VIPs descend from boxes onto stage]
[Presentation of Prizes (Saturday Show only)]
We hope you have enjoyed the show -
and in a very few short moments, after computation of points and deliberation of judges,
Her Majesty will present the awards for FIRST, SECOND, and THIRD place.
Judges, do we have a decision? [stall till ready]
I'm pleased to announce that our distinguished judges have reached their verdict.
In THIRD PLACE, with a grand prize of $L 3000, is Miss Cray and Miss Tayra tied!
In second place, and taking home $L 5000, is our very own Sir Zen!
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
The winner of Caledon's Got Talent! 2010, and an award of $L 10000!
Let's hear it for our prize-winners, and all our fine performers!
[On Sunday, just presume the VIPs came down to greet their people--pick up from here]
Chair: (to Queen, who has started acting oddly):
Erm ... Your Majesty ... Ma'am ...are you well?
You appear a little unsteady, your tiara has slipped, and your bustle seems to have taken on a life of its own ...
No! No! Oh no!
You're NOT Her Majesty!
... you're ...
FIFI LABON, the notorious "royal impersonator" ... and Prince Albert's mistress!!
[Fifi: Hello boys; first layer of clothes off]
Well! Isn't this a fine how-de-do?!?
I suppose the only thing to do in a case like this is: TAKE ADVANTAGE!
So--ladies and gentleman, since the lady
--and I do use that term loosely--
has demonstrated a correspondingly loose attachment to her attire,
how about a nice big donation to the RFL kiosk to encourage her to remove ... her JACKET?
Come now folks, you can do better than that!
And the best is yet to come!
Alright, that's a good one--Jacket please! :-D
Now folks--what donation do I hear for ... the PANTS?
Come now, you want to see a little leg don't you?
Ah there you go, PANTS please! :-)
Aha ... and then there are the STOCKINGS!
What do I hear for the stockings? Dont be shy!
I said DONT BE SHY! *giggles*
Ah, there we go--stockings please Miss Fifi!
Oh and now let's see what you'll pay to be done with her CORSET!
Come come folks--this is the best yet!
Let this lovely lassie breathe free!
Very good! Corset, please, miss!
And now that you have set her free ...
[music and poledance start]
Oh mai it's gotten warm in here!
Oh mai! Let's hear it for that display of ... well, that display!
(fan-bearer rushes up)
Oh dear ... o mai ... I am quite undone at this point ...
[Denny to stage; Fifi runs off]
Shall we simply close out the festivities with a song, then?
Tayra and Jorge, could you please come forward and lead us all in a pleasant tune to wrap up the show?
Once again, ladies and gentlemen ...
Mr. JORGE SERAPIS and
Miss TAYRA TORRICELLI!
[Jorge Serapis, Tayra Torricelli reprise 'Bosum Buddies']
All of tonight's performers, please join us on stage!
Give them a big hand!
Ladies and Gentlemen, one final announcement:
A grand ball and fireworks display has been arranged after this, the closing night's performance, at Miss Garnet Psaltery's ballroom at Caledon Eyre. Please join us!